Every time I embark on a journey to achieve goals I have set for myself, I end up getting discouraged by imperfection. Multiple times in the last week I have become very aware of this fact; for instance one night, I was very tired by 8pm. I put my little daughter to bed, and I mentally insisted that I not go to bed and rest, but that I instead go downstairs and clean up the kitchen, vacuum the dining room, finish a meal plan and store list, then come back upstairs and clean the bathroom.
Now, when I am exhausted, I have a really hard time staying on task and focusing. By working on my goals, I’m hoping to improve my abilities in this area, however, growth does take time. Last night, all I managed to finish was getting the kitchen wiped down, the meal plan and the store list. Considering that those three things took me over three hours, I realize that I probably did have time to fit in a little more. But, I was constantly distracted, going back and forth to the computer, “jotting” ideas down and adding meals between sinks of dishes.
I was so discouraged because I just wondered how long would it be before I would be able to magically “get it all done”. I knew that I had not managed my time perfectly, but I also knew that I had made the attempt and I had accomplished the most important things on my list. I wondered “When is enough, enough?”. I pondered that question a little bit, but my head was foggy and could not come up with an answer. Even now, with clearer head, I wonder the same thing. When is enough, enough? How do I decide?
I have not come up with a way to draw a clear line in the sand about when enough is enough. I know there are times when I do need to get up and try to do better. I know that there are also times when I just need to accept some grace. I just do not always know how to tell the difference.
More than anything, what I really want is to be able to enjoy my family. I am writing all of this on my husband’s day off while he sleeps in because he worked all night last night. But when he and my daughter wake up, I want to be relaxed when I am with them. When I am pursuing perfection, I am anything but relaxed. My insides feel like a hamster running on a wheel getting nowhere and it drives me almost to insanity.
The solution is not to stop pursuing goals all together, but rather to pursue goals in God’s strength and resting on His grace. There will be times when I do not quite achieve my goals, and in those times, I need to be not frustrated, but rather, I need to be at peace, trusting in God’s ability to make all things work together. After all, God is far more interested in my heart attitude than He is in what my hands can accomplish.